I love having hate sex.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Randomize
