Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
