Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
