Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Someone signed my nipple.
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