At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
