the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
