Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
