i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
