what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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