worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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