saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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