I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
