hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
