That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
