My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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