I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He shit in the fireplace
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
