It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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