He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
