I can feel you judging me through the phone.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
