dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
