I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
