No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
