she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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