So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
