she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
there is glitter all over my balls
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