I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
