i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
