I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
