I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
