The maid of honor just puked.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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