i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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