I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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