Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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