since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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