toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
