Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
