Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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