Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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