I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
