nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
