we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
