I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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