So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
