i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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