why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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