I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
