Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this just has baby written all over it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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