I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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