Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
