before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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