someone owes me an orgasm
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
