hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
