i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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